Feeling Lost

As I sit here and look through my blog, I feel like I have lost my direction.  I have lost myself in my job and no longer feel my voice to write.  Feeling lost has been a part of my life lately.  Some days are as rough as the days right after Peanuts birth.  Postpartum reared its ugly head for months after he was born and I’m glad I chose to get help because it could have been so much worse.

These days, I am happier and I am usually chasing Peanut and think of so many things to say, yet when I sit here in front of the computer, the words elude me.

Lately, he has been testing us to the fullest.  His new skill is climbing to the top of the piano.  Telling him no doesn’t even phase him.  Taking him off just challenges him to climb back up.  Time out just results in a full tantrum.  I’m  running out of ideas, although we have started moving furniture around to see if this would help.  It is during moments like this that I just was to scream.  This is not what I thought it would be like. I question if I really want any more children because he is such a challenge most days.  He is smart and that is dangerous.  I watch him calculate and figure out how to solve problems.  I can’t imagine how I will keep him out of trouble without being able to give him all my attention.

Some days, though, I feel the depression creeping back.  Even though I work outside of the home a few hours a day, I really have no recreational time with adults.  It is amazing how much I miss that.  Talking to people who actually talk back, even if it is just getting together for coffee.

And I know that a few breaths later, it will pass and all will be well.  But, I have learned to bounce back.  I know so many who haven’t learned that or think they can’t.  And that is OK.  They just need to learn to ask for help.  It does get better and it won’t always be this way.

Chin up Mom, you aren’t alone.

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22 thoughts on “Feeling Lost

  1. Kendra says:

    I feel every word you’ve written. Just add I have a 5 year old too and I’m ready to stop nursing so my hormones are really all over the place. Totally not a placement but if you get a chance, see the movie “Moms Night Out”. It is so on target with the feelings of SAHMs. My friends and I laughed all night and it reassured that things will be okay.
    Kendra recently posted..A Perfect Rain DayMy Profile

  2. Katie @ Addicted 2 DIY says:

    Definitely not alone! My boys are 5 and 7 and there are still days where I feel like I will pull my hair out! They are in school now, but that doesn’t mean that I always get adult time to have a normal conversation. It’s hard, but I do love my boys with every fiber of my being. I love having a normal conversation though too;) #sitsblogging
    Katie @ Addicted 2 DIY recently posted..Thursday S.T.Y.L.E. Link Party #7My Profile

  3. Julie says:

    I know how you feel. I stay busy with my two girls: 2 and 1. I’m a stay at home mom and I work part time at home. I don’t get out of the house much and it feels great when I do.
    Julie recently posted..Red VelvetMy Profile

  4. Julie Jordan Scott says:

    Postpartum depression (all depression, actually!) can be so difficult in so many unspoken ways. Sure, the moments pass but when you are immersed in them they seem so endless. Sharing this situation as openly as you do is a great way to use your creativity.

    I remember when my daughter had jaundice, I sat staring out the window sobbing thinking what an awful person I must be for feeling so bad and not just drooling with utter and complete love for this blessing in my life. Yes, I felt blessed – but there was so much more. I wish I had a blog to read back then *or write!*

    Sending lots of love….
    Julie Jordan Scott recently posted..Let Your Words Flow: Discovering Your Magic Lamp & Your Genie – Prompts, Quotes & More –My Profile

  5. Karen Cote says:

    Oh dear, your strength is wonderful. Encouraging others and helping them shows your generosity of spirit. Prayers for your continued strength. You are doing a good thing here. #SITSBlogging Love

  6. KiaC. says:

    PPD is a tough thing to go through. I have battled depression all of my life, and I also have suffered with PPD with a few of my children. It does get better, but at this time, in the midst of it all you can’t feel it. I am sending positive energy, prayers and a big virtual hug out to you. You are not alone and if you ever need to talk, I’m here! Part of the #SitsBloggingTribe. Showing you luv!
    KiaC. recently posted..Outrageous! Dear Cheerios, Interracial Families Shouldn’t Represent Cereal CompaniesMy Profile

  7. Kim says:

    Very honest. I think we have all had those moments (and still do, even though our kids get bigger…just wait until he is a teenager, I have 2 of those right now and *sigh*) BUT remember your track record for getting through bad days is 100% right now- you’re still here! Keep your chin up.
    Kim recently posted..The Olympic SpiritMy Profile

  8. Keri @ Growing in His Glory says:

    Kelly, I can relate. I have 3 ages 5, 3, and 20 months and another on the way. I love my children but I definitely have to have some time away. I also had PPD after my last two. It will keep better. Each day it does, slowly but surely. Find little ways to make yourself happy each day, even if it’s just getting your favorite tea or coffee or reading a book. Enjoy your son too. Toddlers are challenging but so curious and lovable too. #SITSBlogging

  9. Rebekah says:

    Aww. Toddlerhood is a season. A hard season. I have had many friends remind me of this fact lately. It is true. I know days are tough, I’ve been there, bit eventually this season of life will be gone and we may even miss it. Hugs Momma!

  10. KalleyC says:

    First, I’m so sorry that you are suffering with PPD, but I’m so happy that you have sought out the help that you needed! It can be trying when they are young–they manage to get into all sorts of trouble, and then more trouble. It’s not easy to say that this stage will pass (because it will) but try to just take one day at a time. Sending you much love 🙂 #sitsblogging
    KalleyC recently posted..Life Through My Lens — Love EditionMy Profile

  11. kate says:

    I’m so sorry you are struggling with all of this right now. I wish I had some helpful advice for you…I’m not a mom, we are currently TTC and have had 2 miscarriages – and in spite of us wanting a baby so badly, I recognize just how difficult and demanding of a job being a mom is.

    I have had a few difficult nieces or nephew who were especially trying, and they grew up to be great humans! 🙂 I’m sure it will be the same with your son. I wish I knew you and could take you out for that cup of coffee…that I could do! 🙂 But I’ll be saying a prayer for you and moms like you. Hang in there…you’ll make it.

    Stopping by from SITS comment love! 🙂
    kate recently posted..Me: A Miserable, Cranky, Human BeingMy Profile

  12. Tanya @ Mom's Small Victories says:

    I know its hard to balance blog and life and my kids are not babies anymore. I am sorry you are dealing with PPD. I hope you have better days ahead and get the support you need.
    I don’t have PPD but have depressive episodes in line with my flares of pain from Rheumatoid Arthritis. I have been trying to resist taking even more medicines but sometimes it is just really hard. I am glad you know you are not alone, none of us are and its brave of you to share this side of you with us.

  13. Lauren says:

    Oh, I have SO been there. Suffering PPD after a miscarriage when my son was at an especially trying age (into, onto everything…). I still have residual depression after my second miscarriage in December and my son is 19 month old and at that stage where he asserts his independence constantly (defiance). Some days are more difficult than others for certain. Just make sure you take care of YOU and get the breaks and relaxation you need.
    Lauren recently posted..10 Signs You’re Ready to Stop BreastfeedingMy Profile

  14. Sarah says:

    I have battled depression for most of my life, and recently it hit me hard again. It makes parenting nearly impossible and everything else just sucks. It gets better, and we know it will, but that doesn’t really make it feel better in the moment. I will be praying that things get easier and you can feel a little less isolated. You are not alone at all. 🙂
    Sarah recently posted..Cute and Easy ValentinesMy Profile

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